Lead by example

May 3rd 2024

Constantly taking care of everyone else’s need and never tending to any of my own, is that the reason I’m so sad?? Maybe it’s as simple as that or more then that after all I’ve been sad for along as I can remember I still find happiness within my life in tiny portions or moments if you will. I have people in my life that make me happy but I can’t relay on them all the time everyone has their own shit going on little or big I’m not their responsibility and I would only feel like a burden. I hate opening up it feels soo weak, it makes me feel like a child again especially when it leads to being dismissed or told I’m acting childish, stupid or like I’m making shit up in my head. So maybe and by maybe I mean definitely, There is more to it then never tending to my own needs. But it certainly starts there doesn’t it..? Alot on inner and shadow work to be done. I’ve been here before silly me was sure I had completed my inner work and I was finally happy…until I wasn’t. 

So now iv’e had my 100th breakdown and I’m feeling better ready to help myself so I can stop displaying troubling all these bullshit coping skills or lack there of, let them grow and thrive in a “healthier” environment that is safe for them to explore their emotions and selfs in a safe space with out triggering my anger, sadness and projecting my shit on them furthering any trauma that they will unavoidably endure and receive through their childhoods, cause lets be honest no-one escapes their family with out a bit of trauma to toughen us up. Hopefully my kids get toughened up and not fucked up that the goal anyway.. 

I have to lead by example I need to be better, find the happiness in small moments of everyday. Deal with my triggers and emotions in a healthy way, learn and implement the tools to hand the down so they end up stronger, happier and healthier then I have been so far.

I need to start small.. I’m kinda a go big or don’t go at all kind of girl finding the balance is going to be the hardest part of to all, That and the open venerability that mostly so difficult because I’m so afraid for people to see who I really am not because I care what they think well maybe it is, I’m afraid to be judged but I’m mostly afraid to be told I’m wrong in how I’m feeling and for fear or other people perspective and hurting them if they are in some way involved in any thing that might come up. I’d rather sit in my pain then upset someone else even if it is the truth, I am an emotional human, I’m actually very good at disconnecting from other peoples issues, suffering, and experiences. I can’t switch that off easily, but the nit comes to my laved ones or anybody who has been hurt by my actions the pain of that physically hurts like I can move and my heart is shattering mean while my brain runs though all the thing I did and what I could have done different to change it then it spirals and spirals for the worse until I feel so much guilt I’m numb until I don’t want to feel anything anymore. That feeling that one where I want it all to go away including myself that one that is the one that pains me the most, at least now I have kids, I didn’t really care before hand I would just fix it with substance abuse and alot of fun. 

I think I’m afraid of being judged by others because I’m not content or sure of myself, and here we are back to tending to my own needs, Self care turns to Self love…..

So Boundaries- they need to set, because I don’t have any not anymore but what should they be

• Don’t let people speak to me poorly. When its the kids take a breath have a gentle conversation and ask them to not speak to me or their sibling until they are ready to speak kindly…? I don’t know is that good parenting…?  WTF is “Good” Parenting? I don’t know something in my way needs to change.
• Time out, from touching and speaking so I feel less over stimulated like I have mown space (bit of a joke really since we live in a caravan) - Meditation time with the kids, lay down and do a 5min or more meditaion in our own space. That will bet a challenge with my little pocket rocket chatty box little princess, seriously that even talks in her sleep and rolls around all night long. Maybe this could help her to regulate and calm some of that hyperness.    

Routine- iv’e always thrived of structure, routine and Authority. routine went out the door after kids, with no boss I need to be my own Authority and stick to routine so I can’t start to trust myself again. I feel like I have put Luke in this position to be my authority only trusting his decisions and not even trying to make any for myself or my family. Don’t get me wrong he is great at it almost all of the time, but I think that why I’ve lost my sense of self. when I do things for myself and set my own structure, when he works and I get to work out, eat, play, create, work and relax and do that all on my own terms to suit the kids rest and hungry times, fuck It feels so good, then he comes home and I get to take care of him, because that’s my love language.

• Set an easy day to day routine- use my own planner the mindful manuscript, journal, practice gratitude each day, and start habit staking and tracking ( basically everything I preach to everyone else)
• Wake up at the same time daily, preferably 30 mins for the kids of my stretch, cold face wash salt water, and 10 min wake up mediation. 
• Walk everyday, with out using my phone and listening to educational podcast or uplifting music 
• Listening to high frequency call music during breakfast time with the kids, ive been doing this recently, while singing  with the kids ive found a huge difference in April behaviour in the Am.

I think that’s probably enough to start with…. 

I’ll be back tomorrow for some shadow work journaling beginning with prompts, start the digging hey! For real, tonight iv’e had enough I’m going to listen to my fav angsty music for a few before  I set myself down with a 936Hz sleep hypnosis and melatonin just incase that doesn’t help because today has been Rough for no particular reason it just was. 

Until next time Legends 🫶

• Side note, my 2022 & 2023 Spotify end of year wrap up most listened to genres where angsty and empowered, LOL I just thought that was funny, so me, so conflicted.